15 Jun 2018 5min read

Oh all these recurring dreams 《梦,这些终而复始的梦》

Oh all these recurring dreams. How I wish I don’t have to wake up from them. How I wish the recurring comes to an end. In every dream you look lovelier than ever. In every rousing I miss you more. It pains me to go into slumber every night only to find you by my side for such a brief moment. And then you are gone as the dream of Pasithea collapsed into million pieces of broken memories.

But the you in my dreams are not really you. It is an idealised version of you. The you who look forwards to a future where we can live happily and never fight. The you who always smile. The you who are always so optimistic and won’t give up easily. There were times when you were this person, and you loved it. But being this person ain’t no easy task (especially given the circumstances we were in and the unstable nature of our relationship). How I wish I were more caring and less demanding, and made rooms for your personal space and gave you a hand when you were taking steps out of your comfort zone so you could try your best to be this person. How I wish I knew when you were feeling insecure and gave you the courage and warmth you needed, like you had done for me when I was feeling insecure. How I wish I were a better lover.

It’s been half a year since you disappeared from my world, showing up only in dreams. I wish the real you are doing well in life.

• • •

Of course, I still dislike you as a human being and for all that you have done. That hasn’t changed. I’m glad our story had come to an end in reality. I look forwards to the day I completely forget about you.



梦,这些终而复始的梦。我多么希望无须从中醒觉。我也多么希望能够彻底摆脱。每次在梦境中见到妳妳都比上次更为动人。每次莫名醒来的我都会比昨天更想念妳。這是一种折磨。每夜与妳梦中的相遇是如此的短暂。然后妳就消失了,跟随着帕西提亚纺织的现实的倒塌,残存满地零零散散的记忆碎片。

可是梦中的妳并不是真实的妳。她是我理想中的妳。那個对我们未來的生活充滿著希望的妳。那個经常帶着笑容的妳。那个乐观而且从不轻易放弃的妳。這個妳是我最喜歡的妳,也是妳最喜歡的自己。可是要把这个自己带出来并不容易(尤其考虑到我们关系自身的不稳定性和一起生活时的场景、事态)。我多么希望过去的我会更懂得照顾妳。会更懂得给妳空间呼吸。当妳试图走出『心理舒适区』时,会懂得给妳勇气与鼓励。懂得知道什么时候妳缺乏安全感了。懂得给妳温暖,给妳自信,就如同当妳意识到我安全感低的时候。

自从妳从我的世界中消失后已经有半年了。 我希望妳现在的日子过得好。

• • •

当然,我仍然讨厌妳这样的人类和妳的一些做事方式。那没有改变。我庆幸我们的故事在现实中已到尾声。我期待我彻底忘记妳那一天的到临。

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