Something is off.

The mental constructs in my consciousness are as vivid as usual - I am fully aware that there’re many things needed to be done - but somehow I can not bring myself to do them. I believe I have yet to dedicate myself to the art of languor and become an epitome of slothfulness and unproductivity. I still code on a daily basis, and watch lectures and read when I have the time. It is as if there is an ineluctable force preventing me from doing things that I really need to do at a particular moment in time. Similar to the force that stops me from jumping down a building when I fantasize about leaving this reality as I look down from a 24th floor balcony, this invisible force is strong and tremendously hard to overcome. Why have things gone this way is the question I long to ask, but what’s more important is:

Have I always been like this?

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Have you always been like this? If true, then this probably has to do with one very fundamental aspect of you that governs your behavior. To bring yourself to do something that’s always in your mind but you have great difficulty actually engaging in doing, you have to understand yourself, form an accurate mental representation of yourself, analyze it and see where this conflict of interest lies. There is always a reason for the existence of such inconsistency in actions and thoughts. Find out what it is, and I believe you will figure out a way to change the situation, my friend.

Have faith in yourself.